Chapter 37: His Origin (2)
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Close to the end of winter, the avenue of Japanese zelkova was a shadow of itself with the trees being carcasses that missed their attire. This sight triggered a sort of sadness in me. I must tell her about the path I took to reach this place.
And thus I spoke up even while feeling unsure whether I’d be able to impart everything properly.
“Satoha, I’d like to talk about my family…or rather upbringing.”
She nodded with a serious expression.
The oldest memory I still remembered was the moment when my father left this country. I recall how my head was stroked by a hand big enough to engulf it completely while my mother held my hand.
“My father…he went overseas soon after I became aware of things around me. Ever since then I’ve never spoken with him again.”
“Huh…? Are you telling me he isn’t even calling you, let alone come back to this country?”
“Yep. Not once. And on top of that, I don’t even know where my father lives. He merely sends the living expenses via bank deposit transfer every year. Because of that, I don’t share any real memories with my father. The only proof of his existence I have is an old photo showing a man who appears to be my father.”
Hearing this additional information, Satoha became speechless.
“Accordingly I always lived with my mother alone. During elementary school and middle school I often got pissed about why Mum wouldn’t do anything about my father not coming back home at all.”
As my fingers grew cold, I joined my hands. The words leaving my mouth turned into white puffs, quickly melting with the atmosphere.
“Whenever I did, Mum would look apologetic and tell me that she had married that sort of person. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t understand what sort of person that was to be. That sort of person…it made me wonder what kind of scum my father was.”
“……”
“…My Mum seemed to know why my father always stayed away from home. And she had apparently come to terms with it and tried to explain it to me a few times. However, I refused to hear any of it. I didn’t want to know about it. I knew…I wouldn’t be able to accept it, no matter what sort of reason it might be.”
I took a deep breath as I didn’t want to lose my composure in front of her.
“Each time I saw the happy-looking families of my classmates…it was painful. Jealousy, hatred towards my father, questions why me…it all swirled inside me in a complicated, messy cluster of emotions.”
“…And that’s why you didn’t want to go to your graduation ceremony today, right?”
“……Yeah. I’m always like that and I told my Mum many times over that my classmates keep asking whether she’s happy or why I don’t have a father. Even though I myself never heard the reason for it.”
I brushed up my bangs with my right hand, grabbing my forehead.
“And then Mum would always apologize to me…with a sad face and then tell me, 『It certainly comes with inconveniences and I’d love to meet him as well, but as long as you have small chunks of happiness in your life, it’s more than you can ask for』. She said that she didn’t need a colorful life or event that would surprise everyone.”
I was thinking. The words didn’t want to come out of my mouth. Seeing me like that, Satoha touched my back from the side.
“For this reason….I pledged in my childish heart that I’d become an outstanding guy and talk back to everyone in order to prove my father and Mum wrong. I tried to put all my effort into various things without limiting myself to school activities either, but it didn’t go well. 『You can do everything as long as you try hard enough』 has no connection to reality. While I suffered without even the time to enjoy myself, people more talented than me quickly got better. Seeing that, I cursed myself. For being a mediocre, ordinary commoner. Telling myself that I might not be able to walk my own path while proving Mum wrong.”
I swallowed.
“And then, one day as I was worrying and brooding over and over again, I had a serious talk with Mum. And there she told me that it wasn’t necessary for everyone to become an outstanding, brilliant human as everyone was putting in the effort in ways they were able to and that it’d be fine to keep living a happy life by taking things one step at a time. After talking with her seriously like that for several hours, I felt I had finally gotten closer to understanding what Mum was saying. I remember that I started to take a positive outlook on things on that day.”
Satoha breathed heavily, just faintly. Very faintly. She probably understood where this was going.
“And then…one week after this had passed. I won’t ever be able to forget this. When I came back home, Mum had collapsed in front of the kitchen. I called an ambulance, and kept calling out to her, saying stuff I don’t even remember…”
“Then, your mother…”
“She died suddenly due to a heart stroke. My grandmother died in the same way, so it’s likely genetic.”
I was holding my head. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking. Her hand patted my back.
“And thus…I became all alone. The small happiness Mum told me about vanished as well. At that point, something that was always about to break finally gave in and broke completely.”
My visual field was filled with nothing but my trembling fingers and the sidewalk’s pattern. I couldn’t see her and I didn’t know what expression she was currently showing.
“I had friends at school and I had been living a relatively happy life, but…starting with that day, everything stopped being fun to me. On top of that, there was this guy who had been hating me a bit…he came to rile me up by talking trash about my Mum.”
“How terrible…”
“At that moment, something snapped inside me and I beat the shit out of him. I don’t know whether they took my extenuating circumstances into account, but I was only suspended from school. Even so, I was all alone after that.”
Her warmth was passed on from her hand to my back.
“A while passed after this episode…and in the end, it’s true that time allows one to sort things a bit. After somehow managing to get back up on my feet, I tried various things, looking for something that might be fun for me. After all, I had stopped being able to feel anything, as if my heart had died.”
I breathed in.
“Music, movies, reading, exercise, games, sports, mountain-climbing, walking, cooking, studying; I thoroughly examined all of them, and I tried out everything I could try. Yet, not a single of them lit a flame in me. Each time I would always lose interest at some point. And I would become unable to expect more of it.”
I lifted my face, staring at the wintry sky. Shit. Aren’t there any clouds?
“Just like that I gave up on everything and without the courage to take my own life, I idly continued living like an empty shell while pretending to those around me that I’d be able to live by myself. And at that time, I encountered Dungeon Seekers. I recall how my first dungeon dive got me as excited as I hadn’t felt in a long time. I told myself that I could aim for the top in this and that I might be able to enjoy it.
I think I might have liked to explore strange, unknown places since I was little. To be honest, I don’t know why I like to fight. Maybe I love the sensation of pitting my life against that of my opponents. Since I’m broken, I probably can’t feel that I’m alive, unless I do this.
The dungeon clears themselves…are kinda like a last bastion, allowing me to take my life to another, colorful stage.”
——— End of Part 1 ———
I looked in her direction. Somehow I felt like a load was taken off me after I spilled everything to her.
“Whether this serves as answe──hey, Satoha?”
Only now, after having continued to dispassionately tell her about my past, I noticed that something was off with her.
Her head was hanging somehow and her forelocks hid the area around her eyes. I realized that her pretty gem-like eyes were slightly moist.
“Nothing of it…is your fault, Hiro. It’s fine…to not act tough. You worked hard to reach this place.”
She stood up, went up to in front of me, and crouched down. Straight from the front, she used her hands to wrap up my chilled hands while meeting my eyes directly.
I guess she easily saw through the pride of a useless guy like me being a bluff.
“No…it’s my bad. If only I had talked to Mum much, much earlier and accepted that my father wouldn’t be with us… No matter how much effort I put in, I became stubborn over something no one could change, thus only wasting time like that. In the end Mum…”
“Hiro, I’m sure there are a lot of things you regret. I cannot say whether those regrets are warranted or not. I don’t know. But, I do know that you’re only lonely and sad right now.”
She averted her eyes and cast her face down. Even with my messed-up brain, I perceived that her current expression was the gloomiest she had shown me thus far.
“I…understand your feelings of loneliness and incorrigible despair.”
The warmth engulfing my hands suddenly disappeared. She hugged me straight from the front.
“…Satoha?”
“My Elder Sister would hug me like this whenever I felt sad and lonely. No matter how painful it was and how dire the situation, this would always calm me down for the time being and make me happy. I had my sister who was there for me, but I’m certain you didn’t have anyone like that.”
“Satoha, the people around us…will misunderstand things. It’s better if you stop,” I muttered with a fleeting voice.
She rejected that idea outright, “Then I’ll use my Invisibility at full power. With this, no one will be able to see us. Ehehe. It’s alright to squeeze you a lot, a lot longer, you know? None of it was your fault. You did your utmost.”
“S-Satoha.”
My heartbeat, which had increased earlier, became quicker for another reason. Even during my fights against dungeon bosses, I never heard my heart thumping so loudly.
“Please don’t misunderstand. I’m also extremely embarrassed here, okay? But, your sad and pitiable state goes beyond even my shame. Even though you’re saying that you’re fine, your face looks very pained,” she whispered.
She was stroking the back of my head with her right hand, her face remaining invisible to me. She had placed her chin on my shoulder and put her arms around my back. She was hugging me that tenderly.
It was an innocent, genuine, pure act. She was doing it after only considering the problems and worries of the other party.
Ever since our first meeting, I had been able to confirm that she was like this. This is probably the reason why I’ve treated her politely. During battle, I unintentionally ended up shouting at her though.
At this rate, I will become unable to restrain my budding feelings, which I considered to have come to be for various reasons, such as no one else being with us, during the last two weeks. She must babysit a person like me because of her orders and work. And yet, I’m convinced that the dam in me will definitely burst at some point.
I could feel her kindness as she wrapped me up, and her tears through my cheek.
“Say…Hiro, do you have fun now?”
She released the hug, grabbed both my shoulders and stared at me directly while smiling pleasantly.
Midwinter. An avenue of withered zelkova. The time of the year when a chilly air reigned supreme, making this the dullest period in this area. Just as if it was a representation of my own life.
But, right now, Satoha was in front of me. She existed in this space with me.
As such I showed her the best smile I could muster, and answered, “Right now I have lots of fun. I’d like for this time to continue, yep…maybe that’s my wish.”
Revealing a resigned smile, she muttered at the end, “…I think it might be the same for me as well.”
She separated from me and stood up as if jumping. She linked her hands behind her back and headed further down the avenue.
“Hiro, thank you for allowing me to hear all this. But, today is far from over. Let’s go!”
Seeing her thrust a fist in the air with an encouraging “Yeah!”, a smile naturally formed on my lips.
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